Somewhere, nowhere.

It all seems weird. I’m somewhere yet I’m nowhere. It’s somewhere in the middle of the term, nowhere in particular and I don’t quite know what to do.

If I were to look at my todo list, I’d realise there’s lots of work to do. If I were to look through my notes, I’d realise there’s lots of things to read up on. If I were to look in the mirror, I’d realise I need a lot more sleep. Yet all I do is sit here and stare and stare.

There is this ominous air around this apathy. This foreboding sense of doom.

The keyword must be insecurity.

Sunday, 20th July

It’s a leap year. And just as he, I would have finished my IOP, millions of chem pracs and physics pracs, 5 Economic Commentaries, 2 ToK essays, EE, My Cas file, a few math portfolios and much more. I would be able to settle down to study for the exams and read through the thick textbooks that are now collecting dust on my desk. As I look and watch a Year 6 Friend of mine being released from these terrors, one by one, a part of me hopes I could be there now.

One Year from now, 366 days from now, 8784 hours from now, I wonder what I would be doing. I wonder who I’ll be talking to and what I would have had for dinner.

Truth be told, I reckon I would still be having the same few dishes and rice for dinner. But much would have changed. I suppose I would be more seriously considering my life after the completion of the IB programme and looking back on my 12 years of education in ACS. I wonder what I would think of having lived through 18 years of life on this Earth. I wonder how many of those goals I had set for myself for these two years would have been achieved. And I wonder what I goals I would be setting for myself at that point in time.

As much as I hope that day is today, it isn’t and I had better enjoy myself today, because even if I ever hope it’s today again, it’ll never be.

Life has been catastrophically useless.

I play the piano. The piano is a brilliantly simple instrument that produces beautiful flowing music. I still remember the day I told my parents I wanted to learn the piano. I was 6. I did start learning the piano but due to a variety of reason stopped when I was in Primary 6. I sincerely regret that decision and I have since taken up piano classes again. In my hectic schedule, it is at times tiring to have to keep up and turn up for lessons, but at least hearing myself playing a piece properly gives me a sense of fulfilment and achievement. At times, leisurely playing a piece is also very relaxing.

In ensuring a piece plays smoothly, it is doubtlessly of utmost importance to maintain rhythm. Maintaining the rhythm is not really one of my strong points and to ensure I don’t go off, I usually tap my foot. (To my dismay my piano teacher says I shouldn’t do this during the sight reading exam) However, when I do make a mistake in the middle of piece, I often have to start all over from the top or I would never be able to pick up the pace again

Like every other piece, my year started as a relatively good one. I was motivated and paced myself correctly, gaining momentum and keeping up with most of my homework and studies. Yet, I stumbled, fumbled and fell. Most unfortunately, I cannot start from the top.

The past 2 months have flown through me – Pre-u-sem, Make up Wow, reading fiction novels… I lost all motivation to work and I sat down and rotted away in front of my computer. My whole routine was disrupted. I stopped doing homework, I stopped reading up, I stopped blogging. I’d sincerely like to blame this for my mediocre exam results, yet I find I have nobody but myself to blame.

The last two weeks have been similarly useless. After the exam results came out, I felt lethargic and spent copious amounts of time staring at my computer screen watching movies and allowing my homework to pile.

I am now at a critical juncture. There are so many important project deadlines and yet I still sit here and waste away in front of the computer. I’ve lost the rhythm, and I desperately need to pick up the pace again.